…And He Shall Give Thee the Desires of Thine Heart…

        

I believe most of us know these Bible verses by heart, “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thy heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”  I can speak from experience it hasn’t always felt like God was giving me the desires of my heart. If all of my readers were honest, I’m sure they would say the same thing.  Sometimes the reason is because we don’t heed the second verse where we commit our way to the Lord.  Other times we do exactly what that verse says and not only does God not give us the desires of our heart, but everything that could possibly go wrong falls apart before our very eyes.

I have learned the key to fully unlocking the promises of these verses comes from my favorite passage of scripture Isaiah 40:31, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.”  I can give you this advice with confidence because it’s not just something I believe; it’s something I have lived.  I delighted myself in the Lord.  I committed my way unto him, but when would the desires of my heart come?  As you may have guessed, the Lord eventually renewed my strength and not only were the fulfillment of my desires more than I ever dreamed, they were worth the wait.

When I was 10 years old, I decided I wanted to be an obstetrician.  In my childlike innocence and resiliency, I didn’t realize with my illness there was no way I would have the stamina to go through med school and then keep the hours that kind of specialty would require.  When I reached my teenage years, I realized that career wouldn’t be possible. 

When I tried to decide what to do upon graduating high school, I knew I wanted to contribute to society, but had to choose something I could physically do.  My mother suggested journalism since I loved to write, but my passion was writing stories and uplifting pieces.  Writing articles would have been fun, but it wasn’t the main type of writing I wanted to do.  At the time, I had no clue there was a major for creative writing.  So I went to another passion I had— sign language.  I loved the language, thinking it was the most graceful and beautiful thing I had ever seen. I made the decision to get a degree in deaf studies.

I decided to go to Ohio University Southern in Ironton, Ohio.  My sister went there as well so we could commute together, which would help retain my energy and stamina college would most certainly take away from my immune system.  In my heart of hearts, I would have loved to have gone away to a Christian college to experience the independence I so lacked because of my disease. That however, was impossible.  At this point in my life I was seeing my specialists three to four times a month, receiving a monthly IV treatment, constantly battling infections and sickness. I still needed a live-in support system and there was no way my body could withstand the germs of the community living in college life. 

I began my sign language course for deaf studies and everything went great.  I loved my sign language professor, I made a very good friend who ended up becoming a wonderful support system at college, and I enjoyed college life even though I was living at home and commuting.  Life was very steady and sure…until my second year of college.  The first two sign language courses were very basic and I was able to do the signs.  When I got to the upper level sign language classes I found some signs were difficult to do because of the arthritis in my fingers.  As an interpreter for a deaf person, you are their voice and you relay what is being said to them.  It’s imperative their interpreter can proficiently sign and I wouldn’t be able to do this.  Just like my disease limited me of my dream of becoming an obstetrician, it was now limiting me of my dream of becoming a deaf interpreter.  I had to decide on another career path.  I was determined this wouldn’t discourage me and I would stick to the mantra I always lived by when I couldn’t achieve a dream or a goal because of my illness.  This motto was I would come up with another goal, one that wasn’t any less impressive or inspiring— just attainable.

In the midst of having to make the decision of what to do with my life, God was about to throw another curveball in my life.  The desire to go to a Christian college became stronger and that Christian college was Asbury University.  Not only did the desire become stronger, but I felt like it was God putting this dream in my heart.  My mind told me this wasn’t possible.  Here I was trying to figure out another area of study to pursue, not to mention the countless doctor’s appointments, endless infections, and monthly IV treatment. Now more than ever going away to school wasn’t an option.

There’s only so much one person can juggle and I felt like I was juggling a lot between my education situation and medical issues.  But the sayings are true— “When it rains it pours,” and “If it ain’t one thing it’s another,” and would be an understatement with the “unexpected balls,” thrown into my juggling routine.  The monthly IV treatments and extra blood draws to check my blood counts were beginning to take a toll on my veins.  Accessing a vein was now taking my nurses three to four needle sticks to hit a vein.  My hematologist explained to my mom and I it was time to consider a port.  A port is a device placed in a vein in a person’s chest.  It allowed nurses vein access at all times, requiring only one needle stick.  I agreed to consider it, even though I never complained about the multiple needle pokes, I was getting tired of enduring them.

Due to a cat scan, my doctors discovered a port would never be an option for me.  The test showed something rare and unique. The veins and arteries were flowing in the opposite direction they were supposed to. This meant port access would be very difficult to find.  If I decided to get the device, infection would be a high risk also.  Since the device would be in a mass of veins and arteries not mapped out as they should, finding it to remove it could be difficult.  My hematologist’s recommendation was not to receive the port, but he understood if I decided to get one.  Getting jabbed with a needle multiple times in one day was painful and exhausting.  Ultimately, it was my decision to make.

The decisions I had to make at this stage in my life were monumental and it was complicated by the fact God kept bringing Asbury to my mind and heart.  I tried to ignore it, but the desire continued to get stronger.  Finally, I poured my heart out to my parents, telling them the desire God had placed in my heart and I wanted to go to Asbury.  My parents attended Asbury and also where they met.  They were delighted at the possibility of one of their daughters going to their alma mater, however, I was never the daughter they imagined attending Asbury.  My mother and father knew I would be crushed if I knew they felt this way.  They were always determined to allow me to dream even if they knew the dream was not possible.  I would need to be the one to come to the realization on my own when I was ready to accept it.  We all agreed to think and pray about it, but I believe thoughts in our mind went back to the reasons that had always been obstacles—

 I saw my specialists three to four times a month, I received a monthly IV treatment, and I was constantly battling infections and sickness and how would I ever be able to go away to attend college and live in a dorm?  Ironically, the timing of my discussion with my parents came when my sister was in the small town of Wilmore, Kentucky where the school was located.  She was visiting my aunt and her family.  My mother called her and asked her to stop at the school to get a list of the majors they offered. When I began looking at the different majors, my eyes connected with something exciting.  They had a creative writing program!  I didn’t even know those majors existed. It was as if God was giving a precious gift.  One of my passions didn’t work out because of my disease, but now He was giving me the hope of another passion I could pursue.

A couple of months later, I had a doctor’s appointment with my immunologist.  My mother and sister were present at this visit.  As with most appointments, I explained to him how my health fared from my last appointment to this one.  I told him all about the issues I was having with my nurses gaining vein access and the possibility of getting a port.  I relayed the results of the CT scan, informing my specialist my veins and arteries were not correctly mapped out in my chest.  I told him my hematologist recommended I didn’t get the port due to the shape my veins and arteries were in and the risk of infection; however, he understood the strain of getting stuck with a needle multiple times, so ultimately the decision was mine.  I remember saying to my immunologist, “I probably will just get the port, I’m tired of getting stuck so much.”  He looked at me and said, “You don’t have to.  There’s a new treatment that just became available here at Children’s.  It’s administered into your subcutaneous tissue instead of your veins and you would receive it weekly instead of monthly and because it’s given more consistent, it’ll cut down your infections and times of being sick.”

By this time, I was on the edge of my seat. Not having as many infections or being sick all the time?  I was elated! But then he continued, “Whitney, I haven’t even told you the best part. Since the treatment will cut down your infections and times of being sick, you’ll be able to see your specialists every six months.  Also because the treatment will be administered into your subcutaneous tissue instead of intravenously, you’ll be able to give the treatment to yourself in the comfort of your own home.”

I couldn’t believe what I was just told!  In that moment it was as if God whispered into my heart, “You see Whitney, if trust in Me and wait on My timing, nothing is impossible.”  I looked over at my mother and my sister and the expressions on their faces told me that they had heard the small still voice as well.  “I get to go to Asbury,” I told them. 

I visited the campus in the fall of 2008 and in the fall of 2009 I began my first year at Asbury. I even had a support system in my aunt and her family who just lived a minute away from the campus.  I was able to store my treatment there and give it to myself in the comfort of their home. 

Attending college away wasn’t without it’s challenges, but it was everything I had ever dreamed.  Not only was I obtaining a degree I loved, it gave me an independence I had never experienced.  I was able to see I could function with a disability, as an adult on my own and it was an exhilarating feeling.

There was a season of waiting for this dream and not every person was encouraging when they found out I was trying to go away to college.  They felt sure I was setting myself up for failure.  But disease or no disease, I knew what God was impressing upon my heart and I committed that to Him. I had believed He would bring the desires of my heart to pass….and He did.