Cracked Façade

I’m about to get real and talk about something no one likes to discuss— insecurities.  I don’t care who you are, there’s something you’re insecure about. The most secure person in this world still has something within their selves that makes them feel vulnerable. The perfect way I think to describe it is a “Cracked Façade.”

Whether a person is insecure about their acne, their weight, their grades, their height, their financial state, their disease, or they simply just don’t feel good enough, those insecurities will arise in some form when a person is made to feel they don’t measure up in the very area they don’t even believe they measure up.

I’ve been there. 

It’s not fun to feel your heart drop to your knees because you’re not what or where you’re supposed to be in life by “normal standards.” When your heart drops and your insecurities arise you become a "Cracked Façade" because your deepest fears are revealed and that is about as raw and as painful as it gets.

It’s funny though how your insecurities shift from childhood to adulthood. When I was a child I’d try to hide my warts as much as I could whether that was by pulling my sleeves down over my hands or clenching my fists. Now those defense mechanisms don’t even occur to me because I’ve realized those blemishes don’t take away from the confidence or beauty I have.

When I was a teenager, I had to get hearing aids due to significant hearing loss. It was amazing how much better I could hear with those tiny little guys, but I didn’t wear them for very long because, to me, it was just one more peculiarity that stuck out about me. I was just recently told I need to get hearing aids again,  and now as an adult, I’m excited to get them. I realize now it’ll better benefit me to be able to hear than it will to worry about what others think about me.

Those insecurities were very real to me, they were my “Cracked Façade,” but with time they faded away and now others have taken their place. At 30 years old not only am I not married yet, I still live with my parents. I’m very grateful my parents have graciously given me a place to live as an adult, but I must admit I’m not where I thought I would be in this stage of life. There are times when my heart literally drops to my stomach when I realize I’m not where most people are in life at my age. 

Most of my closest friends are married and have children. When we are together and conversations shift to their spouses, children, or house, I’ll laugh and joke with them or join in the conversation by sharing a story about one of the kids I babysit so I feel included, but I know I can’t totally relate. The honest truth is sometimes that stings a little bit.

Most women in their thirties at least live on their own or with a roommate, so the fear that clenches my heart is do people think I live with my parents because I’m not capable of taking care of myself? Do they think my disease hinders me in making basic choices, so I must live with my mother and father? Neither of these things is true, but I often find myself bending over backward to prove otherwise because the feeling of being ‘less than,” what I'm supposed to be cuts my soul to the quick.

This is my “Cracked Façade.”

This is where my fears, doubts, worries, and insecurities leak through my vessel. What’s your “Cracked Facade?”  What are your deepest fears? It’s difficult to feel “less than.” It’s painful when your insecurities are exposed.

So don’t you ever let anyone make you feel bad about your “Cracked Facade.” You’re human. You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to hurt. But don’t ever let you’re “Cracked Facade” control you, either because the truth of the matter is, much of the time what you believe people think about you, is not accurate and is a picture you’ve created in your mind because of your insecurities.

The best thing you can do is fall into God’s open arms like I have. He’s a good, good Father. He knows the things I long for – a spouse, children, and a home of my own and that I’m capable of loving and cherishing these gifts. So share your heart with Him. Confide in Him your deepest fears. Whisper your utmost desires in His listening ear. When you do this He will lessen your pain, He will untangle the insecurities that suffocate you, and He will mend your “Cracked Façade.”

Be a Samuel

        One fact that hasn’t changed since the beginning of time is the perception of a person is based on their appearance. I totally understand certain appearances are necessary for different environments. I agree as Christians our appearances should reflect that Christ is living in us. I know that since our body is a temple God created we should treat our appearance with respect. 

My parents- the first "Samuels" I ever had. They have fought for me my entire life because they knew my ability outshined my circumstances. They are a constant foundation I know I can always count on.

          But one thing I stand against is when a person’s ability is measured by their appearance. We don’t know what a person has had to endure in life and nine times out of ten their appearance is reflective of the battles they’ve fought. That’s why it’s so imperative we look past those battle scars and see their capabilities and worth.

My sister has been a giant of a "Samuel," in my life.  She has always been the first to cheer me on and celebrate my victories because she was the first to believe I could surpass the limitations before me.

        I think I’m so passionate about looking past appearances because I have had people perceive me a certain way based on my appearance. Growing up, my appearance mirrored the battle I fought, however; when people began looking past my appearance and saw my ability and worth, my cocoon of insecurities and lack of confidence from my teenage years fell away and I blossomed and bloomed into an independent woman no longer afraid to share my God-given abilities with others. 

My Grandma...what a "Samuel," she has been! She is always there with a listening ear for me to vent my frustrations and provided the comedic relief I needed to forget scary and uncertain days. 

         I believe this is why I have always felt a kinship toward King David in the Bible. Right before we are introduced to David in I Samuel, chapter 16 it’s clear that even the kind and God-fearing prophet who the book is named after wouldn’t have considered David as the next King of Israel. In fact, when he saw David’s oldest brother Eliab, who was probably tall, fair to look at, and regal looking, Samuel thought for sure this was the son of Jesse God had chosen to replace Saul. But God had this gentle rebuke for Samuel: “But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.”  

Lisa Harper- My mentor at Asbury University and such a special "Samuel," in my life. She is the first person other than family who looked past my appearance and saw my ability, therefore, I began to bloom into the woman God created me to be.

          I have to wonder if God didn’t check Samuel’s conscience or if Samuel didn’t heed God’s warning, would David have been anointed King that day? While the Bible says that David was ruddy, had a beautiful countenance, and was good to look at, he had two things that went against him- he was young and he was a shepherd. Those two things didn’t exactly emanate royalty.  But I’m so glad Samuel listened to the Holy Spirit that day because then we would have never known a lowly shepherd boy could defeat a lion, a bear, and a giant. We would have never learned that a lowly shepherd boy could go down as being one of the greatest Kings in history. We would have never believed a lowly shepherd boy could become such a fierce warrior. And most importantly, we would have never realized a lowly shepherd boy's bloodline could produce the greatest man who ever walked on this earth, Jesus Christ—  proving that appearances are not always what they seem. While Samuel was quick to judge who he thought “appeared,” to be King, he just as quickly took a step back, listened to the Holy Spirit and understood he needed to look for someone with the ability, worth, and heart to be King.

These girls are such huge "Samuels," in my life. From the very beginning, they saw my worth and that has given me the confidence to reach for all God has for me. They are the epitome of what friends and sisters in Christ should be.

       So my advice to you is be a “Samuel.” The next time you see someone and judge their ability by their “appearance,” take a step back and listen to that still small voice that is always near.  Build that person’s confidence by looking within them and acknowledging their worth and what they are capable of doing in this world because you never know…you just might unlock a “David.” 

Without those "Samuels," in my life, I would never be the woman you see in this photo-Grabbing every adventure and opportunity God gives me. It's my prayer I can impact others just as much as they have impacted me, giving other beautiful souls the courage to unlock their "David'."

Smile at the Endings

I’ve loved the topics I’ve tackled the past couple of weeks in my blog posts—

topics I’m quite passionate about. I didn’t know what I should share this week until a few days ago. I have a calendar with inspirational quotes that encourage people to go for their God-sized dreams. I absolutely love the motivation and drive these pieces of wisdom have given me.

A habit of mine before I go to bed is to flip the page of the calendar and read the quote for the next day. On Tuesday, I turned the calendar to this quote- “When you say “yes,” to God-sized dream, you are committing to a significant investment in your life. That means cutting back on extraneous emotional and energy expenses in other areas. Because many dreamers are big-picture idealists (which serves us well in many ways) we often underestimate the “cost,” of what we’re undertaking.” 

Wow! That hit me really hard and I knew God was trying to teach me something. Especially when I looked at the quote again yesterday and realized I had actually flipped the book to August 24^th – which is today. I’d say the timing is ironic, but I know there’s nothing ironic about God. He always orchestrates experiences the exact way they are supposed to take place and at the exact time, they are supposed to happen.

After the first time, I read that quote, I laid in bed and pondered what it meant and what God was trying to say to me. I realized this quote was connected to the season of life I’m in right now and the recent blog posts I’ve shared with you. I’ve said “yes,” to my God-sized dreams and I’m on the brink of new beginnings. I truly feel in my spirit that a lot of changes are in my horizon. But with all new beginnings, something must take place first— endings.

I’m a big dreamer so I can say with assurance that the author nailed it on the head when she said that dreamers are “big-picture,” idealists. This describes me perfectly and quite often I’m “dreaming,” about the future final result—  when the dream is a reality. As I look back on my life, I see many times where I only dreamt and thought of the final result and when the dream finally became a reality, I was crushed when it ended.

God knows this about me and I believe He’s cautioning me to take stock of my endings. I honestly don’t know what could or what will end from this present stage of life, but this little check from the Holy Spirit has made me realize I need to treasure everything in my life now. I’m so thankful I have this time to prepare my heart so I can be content that old opportunities are ending and have peace that new opportunities are beginning.

Dr. Seuss is definitely not Biblical, but I find that his quotes are often quite profound. One of my favorites is, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” This is what I plan to do. When milestones end and experiences become a memory, I won’t cry because they are over. I’ll smile because they happened.